Your scars.

If you're 'suffering', or going through a hard time, then read this. In this post I might get a little personal. But I know you've been dealing with tons of problems since God knows when, but you know


You don't have to do that. Doesn't it make you feel more vulnerable? Doesn't it make you feel pathetic while you're sitting there on the floor watching the blood flow, wishing how you'd cut the wrong vein in hopes you'd die because you're just so tired with everything that's going on right now? You forgot to realize one thing. People might be telling you that they hate you, but you do not have to start hating your own self too. Because people will talk, hate and throw all sorts of judgements in your face but you know what, only you will be strong enough to lift yourself up. 


Don't depend on people, because they will leave you hanging right when you need them the most. You're going to feel ever so stupid in a few years from now when you look at your old scars. Cut by cut. Tracing the little bumps of lines on your skin. You're gonna regret how you ever let that blade cut your beautiful skin. You're only going to feel regretful later about feeling the numbness now only for 10 minutes when you cut. It is bad, trust me it is and to be very honest, I'm not strong myself. But I have to be because as cocky as this sounds, some people take me as an example so like it or not I just can't portray this weak side of me. It sucks to pretend, though. But what can I do, right? I can't let people know that I'm hurting. But at the same time I don't want them to feel like they're the only ones suffering. So here, I'm struggling too. You're not alone in this and I know you've probably seen those helpful people who say that to everybody else but yeah, I'm here. I'm here and I may or may not know you but I love you and I don't want you to hate yourself, I don't want you to give up.


Please, think. Think of your parents, how would they feel if they found out?
I still remember the tears that fell onto my mother's cheeks when she did, and her face turned pale. I knew then I had failed to become a good daughter and I had made her feel like she's failing at parenting. I will never forget the look on her face. 
Think of your friends, won't it be difficult to explain how you got those wounds on your skin?
Think of yourself. When you have to roll up the long-sleeves in front of people, or accidentally do it and having to quickly pull it down. When you have to put plasters to hide or make the cuts less visible. When you have to take off the plasters and your skin hurts. When you watch the cuts slowly turn into scars day by day. Look, you can't be that weak.


The first time I saw scars on someone, it was on my own best friend. I was in her room and she rolled up her sleeves. I asked her, "WHAT ARE THOSE?"
She gave me a blank look, and she started to cry and I felt stupid because I was only 14 and I had no idea tf those things were. She explained, and I went quiet. It hurt me to see my best friend hurt so yes, when you pick up that blade, think of your friends. If your reason of picking it up in the first place is because you've got no friends, wrong. You've got me. You've got yourself. Please think. Please, please think before you do things. The scars will be there for life, until you die. Don't create something permanent over something temporary.


I've done some pretty reckless stuffs before in my life. Trust me, when I did it, I thought I was only doing the right thing. I wanted so bad to escape here, I wanted so bad to make the pain stop. I realised that doing it was only causing more pain to myself and left something so ugly on my forearm. My mom told me she was going insane because she failed to be a good mother to me. Her words were a tight slap to my face. I hurt myself, and because of that, I've hurt my own mother too.


Look, I know it sounds overrated, cliche and stupid but when I say I'm here, I mean it. I will call, I love to talk. I'd love to talk to you, especially when you're crying because I've got things to say, only you can hear. Things I'd love to say to you to show you that someone does care, and it's me. I'm here, I've done the same things you did too. I understand, I understand. Don't you ever tell yourself that you're ugly, don't you ever tell yourself that everyone's opinions about you matter like hell. Their opinions don't define you. They don't know you like how you know yourself.


It hurts now, it'll be better. Maybe not right now, but later. Soon. Make sure you're still alive and breathing to witness how beautiful life will seem to you in the future if you'd just hang on. Cutting is NOT something beautiful, or poetic. Whatever. Stop that, and don't let the stuff you see on tumblr consume you. You're you, not tumblr. You are so much more than just a misfit, and that razor blade doesn't define who you truly are.
If you think you've lost yourself, think again.
I've got you.

About me.

So, I guess this will be my 3rd blog. I hope this one won't flunk and fail like the last two, just because I forgot my passwords. I could've sworn my password was like, unicornandfairydusts or something ike that. Alright so, let me introduce myself.


My name is Shaza Deanna, preferably called Deanna and I talk, write, sleep. A lot. I'm no-one special, really. Just your typical girl-next-door. I am 16, turning 17 on the 8th of December. I was born in the year 1998, in Johor Bahru but was raised as a city girl here, in Kuala Lumpur. I change schools frequently, like I've been in 3 primaries and 3 high-schools. That was complicated, I know. The main reason why I've created blogs even before this one was to express feelings and thoughts. 140 characters on twitter ain't enough and I get tired of writing sometimes, so I type. I'm here to share my thoughts and...emotions.


I'm not very good at writing stuffs, really. I'm very lame. Dull. I'm pretty lovable. My mind can be a dark place to be in sometimes. I could never really learn to let the light inside until I started reading books and poetry and decided I belong in the lines of the pages. It sounds...lame, I know.


I'm not the brightest among anybody actually, never had been. I honestly don't have any interest in school or studying. About my family, I have a rather painful and bitter past with them. My father passed away due to a severe heart attack on a Sunday afternoon, 23rd September 2013. Just 6 days before my PMR examination. I couldn't focus, I cried every night. I still do. Just, not as often as I used to. But, I still managed to obtain good results. Pretty satisfied with it. It's not easy growing up without the love and tender care from a father, or even a parent. It scares me to think that I'll never be able to feel the loving and heart-warming hugs my daddy used to gave me. He was my best friend and he was my hero. The one who lent me his shoulder to cry on. I miss him.


But anyway, I like poetry, reading novels and that's that. I love to sing, even though I suck at it; pretty badly. I enjoy walking in the rain, I love the smell of earth when rainwater hits the dry ground. I love the smell of freshly baked cookies or anything fresh out of the oven. Like, pizza for an instance. haha. I like being alone, but I also enjoy going out with friends. I enjoy ice skating even though I'm just average at it.


I have two amazing best-friends. Nur Sabrina, and Joelle Rachel. Also known as Joelle Lau but Rachel sounds more sassy. They're both lovely people, just not on the outside. They're hella ugly. But I love them. Dude I am being as honest as I can here. I met Joelle during olahraga, early February 2014 and trust me before this I HATED THAT GIRL. But now that loser has become a big part of my life. I knew Sab since 2013, when we talked about her issues on twitter and somehow I was somewhat like a friend she could vent to, so we became more closer the following year. Up until now, they've been the closest friends I have. Probably the only ones that I trust. Yea I trust others, but won't list down their names here. I keep my circle small, I know, only because it's really hard for me to keep friends and put my trust in them. The last time I did, I got backstabbed. I went from having 7 'best' friends down to 2. But that's alright, because quality beats quantity.


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lol.
And so I guess that's it.