It's sickening, isn't it? When you lose someone. It's like, it's like you've just been stabbed in the heart multiple times and you feel so sick to the stomach, sick enough to throw up at whatever's standing in front of you. Your head's spinning and you feel out of control.
I used to think we were everyone's 'one true pairing', or the couple they would have always shipped until the very end. I thought our ending was going to be a happy one, I used to think we'd never made it this far, and when we did, I never thought I'd lose him so soon. Maybe too soon.
Our love was unbreakable; that's what I would tell myself. But who knew, being with you was a little difficult at times. Looking at your face made my heart burn into flames. I found myself constantly clearing my throat whenever I had to speak to you, and that my eyes were always looking down on my shoes and both my head and heart would be hurting. It was so messy, so uneasy. Losing you was unacceptable, I knew what I did wasn't enough to make you stay. School was different, I had nothing to look forward to anymore. I started skipping classes to stay in the toilet to hide from people or stay in my best friend's arms, I cried in class during recess when nobody was around to see. I found myself sneaking glimpses of you in around school blocks. Sometimes when I see you smile, my heart would stop like it did when you told me you didn't believe in love.
Where do I put away all these memories? Losing you was hard. Getting used to not talking to you was even harder. Sometimes I try to make you stay again, but you never do. I don't know what hurt me more, the fact that everyone was telling me to move on from you or the fact that I knew I was never going to be able to do it? I don't want to be the one who deserves better anyway.
But somehow when you left, I learned to expect less from you. I knew that your tweets were no longer forwarded to me, let alone be about me. I learned to check my phone lesser and lesser. My eyes don't rush to my phone when someone is calling. I finally learned to control myself, to show you I don't need you. But truth be told, I do need you. I can't do this without you. As much as I'd find myself crying myself to sleep almost every Sunday night and Friday morning, as much as I'd plead, beg you to come back to me...you were just never going to. After all, at the end of the day, it had always been you, running around in my mind. Losing you made me lose my mind. I lose my mind when someone mentions your name. Singing isn't my hobby anymore, I have nobody to sing to now that you're not here anymore.
Losing you is hard.
Monday, 5 October 2015
Friday, 4 September 2015
Braces.
Hi. I am getting real tired of people asking me the sameee thing about braces on my ask.fm (http://ask.fm/deannaniki) so here's a post. FAQs basically.
When did I start wearing braces?
25th October 2013.
Why did I wear braces?
Not like I had an overbite (okay maybe a slight overbite) or an underbite, but the front row of my teeth was growing/progressing slow on one side. The right side was growing longer than the left side. Basically growing in a slanting progress. I had canines, and one tooth next to the canine that was growing outwards, was only growing inwards. So because of that one tooth growing inwards, the bottom row tooth was growing outwards. Like, another canine. Just on the bottom row. Because of the canine that was growing inwards, I was constantly biting on my own tongue and my tooth was grinding on my inner cheek most of the time.
Where did I get my braces done?
Klinik Pergigian Dr. Aina. It's located in Saujana Impian, Kajang.
Does wearing braces hurt?
It hurts the first week of getting them. You will not be able to chew. So just consume soft food; like porridge and soup. It also hurts each time you change your wires into thicker ones.
What are spacers?
Spacers are somewhat like elastics that are used to create a gap/space in between teeth before installing braces. Some people before, some people after. I got my brackets glued on and I had ten on front and bottom row. I had to wear spacers for like 5 days to create a gap on my molar tooth (4 of them) so I could install molar bands.
What are molar bands?
Also known as orthodontic bands. They are thin metal rings wrapped around individual teeth and act as anchors to fasten parts of braces, like arch wires. I have four molar bands but I still don't really know the exact use for them lol.
What is Invisalign?
It's the most invisible way to straighten your teeth, basically an alternative option for braces. I don't know much either but you can read more here Invisalign
How many times do I change wires, bands?
I go for a check-up every month. I don't change wires every month, mostly like 3 months per-wire. The wire gets thicker and stronger but you won't be able to feel much pain in your mouth. Bands, powerchains can be changed every month or once every two months.
When will I be able to take off my braces?
If all goes well, around December 2015. I could have taken it off earlier but one bracket of mine kept getting displaced so yeah. Update: it's February 2016 and I still haven't taken them off. lololol
How many types of braces are there?
Uh, as far as I know there are three. Invisalign, traditional and damon.
What's Damon braces like?
I don't really know how to explain it, it's better with pictures anyway so go here to find out more. Damon Braces
How much do my braces cost?
I had my braces installed for 3.8k. Some can be slightly cheaper but some can also be more costlier. I think it depends on your orthodontist and also the condition of your teeth like if it's really bad or whatever.
Sorry if I missed a few questions, but if anything, there's always Google to help.
When did I start wearing braces?
25th October 2013.
Why did I wear braces?
Not like I had an overbite (okay maybe a slight overbite) or an underbite, but the front row of my teeth was growing/progressing slow on one side. The right side was growing longer than the left side. Basically growing in a slanting progress. I had canines, and one tooth next to the canine that was growing outwards, was only growing inwards. So because of that one tooth growing inwards, the bottom row tooth was growing outwards. Like, another canine. Just on the bottom row. Because of the canine that was growing inwards, I was constantly biting on my own tongue and my tooth was grinding on my inner cheek most of the time.
Where did I get my braces done?
Klinik Pergigian Dr. Aina. It's located in Saujana Impian, Kajang.
Does wearing braces hurt?
It hurts the first week of getting them. You will not be able to chew. So just consume soft food; like porridge and soup. It also hurts each time you change your wires into thicker ones.
What are spacers?
Spacers are somewhat like elastics that are used to create a gap/space in between teeth before installing braces. Some people before, some people after. I got my brackets glued on and I had ten on front and bottom row. I had to wear spacers for like 5 days to create a gap on my molar tooth (4 of them) so I could install molar bands.
What are molar bands?
Also known as orthodontic bands. They are thin metal rings wrapped around individual teeth and act as anchors to fasten parts of braces, like arch wires. I have four molar bands but I still don't really know the exact use for them lol.
What is Invisalign?
It's the most invisible way to straighten your teeth, basically an alternative option for braces. I don't know much either but you can read more here Invisalign
How many times do I change wires, bands?
I go for a check-up every month. I don't change wires every month, mostly like 3 months per-wire. The wire gets thicker and stronger but you won't be able to feel much pain in your mouth. Bands, powerchains can be changed every month or once every two months.
When will I be able to take off my braces?
If all goes well, around December 2015. I could have taken it off earlier but one bracket of mine kept getting displaced so yeah. Update: it's February 2016 and I still haven't taken them off. lololol
How many types of braces are there?
Uh, as far as I know there are three. Invisalign, traditional and damon.
What's Damon braces like?
I don't really know how to explain it, it's better with pictures anyway so go here to find out more. Damon Braces
How much do my braces cost?
I had my braces installed for 3.8k. Some can be slightly cheaper but some can also be more costlier. I think it depends on your orthodontist and also the condition of your teeth like if it's really bad or whatever.
Sorry if I missed a few questions, but if anything, there's always Google to help.
Wednesday, 19 August 2015
Your scars.
If you're 'suffering', or going through a hard time, then read this. In this post I might get a little personal. But I know you've been dealing with tons of problems since God knows when, but you know
You don't have to do that. Doesn't it make you feel more vulnerable? Doesn't it make you feel pathetic while you're sitting there on the floor watching the blood flow, wishing how you'd cut the wrong vein in hopes you'd die because you're just so tired with everything that's going on right now? You forgot to realize one thing. People might be telling you that they hate you, but you do not have to start hating your own self too. Because people will talk, hate and throw all sorts of judgements in your face but you know what, only you will be strong enough to lift yourself up.
Don't depend on people, because they will leave you hanging right when you need them the most. You're going to feel ever so stupid in a few years from now when you look at your old scars. Cut by cut. Tracing the little bumps of lines on your skin. You're gonna regret how you ever let that blade cut your beautiful skin. You're only going to feel regretful later about feeling the numbness now only for 10 minutes when you cut. It is bad, trust me it is and to be very honest, I'm not strong myself. But I have to be because as cocky as this sounds, some people take me as an example so like it or not I just can't portray this weak side of me. It sucks to pretend, though. But what can I do, right? I can't let people know that I'm hurting. But at the same time I don't want them to feel like they're the only ones suffering. So here, I'm struggling too. You're not alone in this and I know you've probably seen those helpful people who say that to everybody else but yeah, I'm here. I'm here and I may or may not know you but I love you and I don't want you to hate yourself, I don't want you to give up.
Please, think. Think of your parents, how would they feel if they found out?
I still remember the tears that fell onto my mother's cheeks when she did, and her face turned pale. I knew then I had failed to become a good daughter and I had made her feel like she's failing at parenting. I will never forget the look on her face.
Think of your friends, won't it be difficult to explain how you got those wounds on your skin?
Think of yourself. When you have to roll up the long-sleeves in front of people, or accidentally do it and having to quickly pull it down. When you have to put plasters to hide or make the cuts less visible. When you have to take off the plasters and your skin hurts. When you watch the cuts slowly turn into scars day by day. Look, you can't be that weak.
The first time I saw scars on someone, it was on my own best friend. I was in her room and she rolled up her sleeves. I asked her, "WHAT ARE THOSE?"
She gave me a blank look, and she started to cry and I felt stupid because I was only 14 and I had no idea tf those things were. She explained, and I went quiet. It hurt me to see my best friend hurt so yes, when you pick up that blade, think of your friends. If your reason of picking it up in the first place is because you've got no friends, wrong. You've got me. You've got yourself. Please think. Please, please think before you do things. The scars will be there for life, until you die. Don't create something permanent over something temporary.
I've done some pretty reckless stuffs before in my life. Trust me, when I did it, I thought I was only doing the right thing. I wanted so bad to escape here, I wanted so bad to make the pain stop. I realised that doing it was only causing more pain to myself and left something so ugly on my forearm. My mom told me she was going insane because she failed to be a good mother to me. Her words were a tight slap to my face. I hurt myself, and because of that, I've hurt my own mother too.
Look, I know it sounds overrated, cliche and stupid but when I say I'm here, I mean it. I will call, I love to talk. I'd love to talk to you, especially when you're crying because I've got things to say, only you can hear. Things I'd love to say to you to show you that someone does care, and it's me. I'm here, I've done the same things you did too. I understand, I understand. Don't you ever tell yourself that you're ugly, don't you ever tell yourself that everyone's opinions about you matter like hell. Their opinions don't define you. They don't know you like how you know yourself.
It hurts now, it'll be better. Maybe not right now, but later. Soon. Make sure you're still alive and breathing to witness how beautiful life will seem to you in the future if you'd just hang on. Cutting is NOT something beautiful, or poetic. Whatever. Stop that, and don't let the stuff you see on tumblr consume you. You're you, not tumblr. You are so much more than just a misfit, and that razor blade doesn't define who you truly are.
If you think you've lost yourself, think again.
I've got you.
You don't have to do that. Doesn't it make you feel more vulnerable? Doesn't it make you feel pathetic while you're sitting there on the floor watching the blood flow, wishing how you'd cut the wrong vein in hopes you'd die because you're just so tired with everything that's going on right now? You forgot to realize one thing. People might be telling you that they hate you, but you do not have to start hating your own self too. Because people will talk, hate and throw all sorts of judgements in your face but you know what, only you will be strong enough to lift yourself up.
Don't depend on people, because they will leave you hanging right when you need them the most. You're going to feel ever so stupid in a few years from now when you look at your old scars. Cut by cut. Tracing the little bumps of lines on your skin. You're gonna regret how you ever let that blade cut your beautiful skin. You're only going to feel regretful later about feeling the numbness now only for 10 minutes when you cut. It is bad, trust me it is and to be very honest, I'm not strong myself. But I have to be because as cocky as this sounds, some people take me as an example so like it or not I just can't portray this weak side of me. It sucks to pretend, though. But what can I do, right? I can't let people know that I'm hurting. But at the same time I don't want them to feel like they're the only ones suffering. So here, I'm struggling too. You're not alone in this and I know you've probably seen those helpful people who say that to everybody else but yeah, I'm here. I'm here and I may or may not know you but I love you and I don't want you to hate yourself, I don't want you to give up.
Please, think. Think of your parents, how would they feel if they found out?
I still remember the tears that fell onto my mother's cheeks when she did, and her face turned pale. I knew then I had failed to become a good daughter and I had made her feel like she's failing at parenting. I will never forget the look on her face.
Think of your friends, won't it be difficult to explain how you got those wounds on your skin?
Think of yourself. When you have to roll up the long-sleeves in front of people, or accidentally do it and having to quickly pull it down. When you have to put plasters to hide or make the cuts less visible. When you have to take off the plasters and your skin hurts. When you watch the cuts slowly turn into scars day by day. Look, you can't be that weak.
The first time I saw scars on someone, it was on my own best friend. I was in her room and she rolled up her sleeves. I asked her, "WHAT ARE THOSE?"
She gave me a blank look, and she started to cry and I felt stupid because I was only 14 and I had no idea tf those things were. She explained, and I went quiet. It hurt me to see my best friend hurt so yes, when you pick up that blade, think of your friends. If your reason of picking it up in the first place is because you've got no friends, wrong. You've got me. You've got yourself. Please think. Please, please think before you do things. The scars will be there for life, until you die. Don't create something permanent over something temporary.
I've done some pretty reckless stuffs before in my life. Trust me, when I did it, I thought I was only doing the right thing. I wanted so bad to escape here, I wanted so bad to make the pain stop. I realised that doing it was only causing more pain to myself and left something so ugly on my forearm. My mom told me she was going insane because she failed to be a good mother to me. Her words were a tight slap to my face. I hurt myself, and because of that, I've hurt my own mother too.
Look, I know it sounds overrated, cliche and stupid but when I say I'm here, I mean it. I will call, I love to talk. I'd love to talk to you, especially when you're crying because I've got things to say, only you can hear. Things I'd love to say to you to show you that someone does care, and it's me. I'm here, I've done the same things you did too. I understand, I understand. Don't you ever tell yourself that you're ugly, don't you ever tell yourself that everyone's opinions about you matter like hell. Their opinions don't define you. They don't know you like how you know yourself.
It hurts now, it'll be better. Maybe not right now, but later. Soon. Make sure you're still alive and breathing to witness how beautiful life will seem to you in the future if you'd just hang on. Cutting is NOT something beautiful, or poetic. Whatever. Stop that, and don't let the stuff you see on tumblr consume you. You're you, not tumblr. You are so much more than just a misfit, and that razor blade doesn't define who you truly are.
If you think you've lost yourself, think again.
I've got you.
Monday, 17 August 2015
About me.
So, I guess this will be my 3rd blog. I hope this one won't flunk and fail like the last two, just because I forgot my passwords. I could've sworn my password was like, unicornandfairydusts or something ike that. Alright so, let me introduce myself.
My name is Shaza Deanna, preferably called Deanna and I talk, write, sleep. A lot. I'm no-one special, really. Just your typical girl-next-door. I am 16, turning 17 on the 8th of December. I was born in the year 1998, in Johor Bahru but was raised as a city girl here, in Kuala Lumpur. I change schools frequently, like I've been in 3 primaries and 3 high-schools. That was complicated, I know. The main reason why I've created blogs even before this one was to express feelings and thoughts. 140 characters on twitter ain't enough and I get tired of writing sometimes, so I type. I'm here to share my thoughts and...emotions.
I'm not very good at writing stuffs, really. I'm very lame. Dull. I'm pretty lovable. My mind can be a dark place to be in sometimes. I could never really learn to let the light inside until I started reading books and poetry and decided I belong in the lines of the pages. It sounds...lame, I know.
I'm not the brightest among anybody actually, never had been. I honestly don't have any interest in school or studying. About my family, I have a rather painful and bitter past with them. My father passed away due to a severe heart attack on a Sunday afternoon, 23rd September 2013. Just 6 days before my PMR examination. I couldn't focus, I cried every night. I still do. Just, not as often as I used to. But, I still managed to obtain good results. Pretty satisfied with it. It's not easy growing up without the love and tender care from a father, or even a parent. It scares me to think that I'll never be able to feel the loving and heart-warming hugs my daddy used to gave me. He was my best friend and he was my hero. The one who lent me his shoulder to cry on. I miss him.
But anyway, I like poetry, reading novels and that's that. I love to sing, even though I suck at it; pretty badly. I enjoy walking in the rain, I love the smell of earth when rainwater hits the dry ground. I love the smell of freshly baked cookies or anything fresh out of the oven. Like, pizza for an instance. haha. I like being alone, but I also enjoy going out with friends. I enjoy ice skating even though I'm just average at it.
I have two amazing best-friends. Nur Sabrina, and Joelle Rachel. Also known as Joelle Lau but Rachel sounds more sassy. They're both lovely people, just not on the outside. They're hella ugly. But I love them. Dude I am being as honest as I can here. I met Joelle during olahraga, early February 2014 and trust me before this I HATED THAT GIRL. But now that loser has become a big part of my life. I knew Sab since 2013, when we talked about her issues on twitter and somehow I was somewhat like a friend she could vent to, so we became more closer the following year. Up until now, they've been the closest friends I have. Probably the only ones that I trust. Yea I trust others, but won't list down their names here. I keep my circle small, I know, only because it's really hard for me to keep friends and put my trust in them. The last time I did, I got backstabbed. I went from having 7 'best' friends down to 2. But that's alright, because quality beats quantity.
?
?
lol.
And so I guess that's it.
My name is Shaza Deanna, preferably called Deanna and I talk, write, sleep. A lot. I'm no-one special, really. Just your typical girl-next-door. I am 16, turning 17 on the 8th of December. I was born in the year 1998, in Johor Bahru but was raised as a city girl here, in Kuala Lumpur. I change schools frequently, like I've been in 3 primaries and 3 high-schools. That was complicated, I know. The main reason why I've created blogs even before this one was to express feelings and thoughts. 140 characters on twitter ain't enough and I get tired of writing sometimes, so I type. I'm here to share my thoughts and...emotions.
I'm not very good at writing stuffs, really. I'm very lame. Dull. I'm pretty lovable. My mind can be a dark place to be in sometimes. I could never really learn to let the light inside until I started reading books and poetry and decided I belong in the lines of the pages. It sounds...lame, I know.
I'm not the brightest among anybody actually, never had been. I honestly don't have any interest in school or studying. About my family, I have a rather painful and bitter past with them. My father passed away due to a severe heart attack on a Sunday afternoon, 23rd September 2013. Just 6 days before my PMR examination. I couldn't focus, I cried every night. I still do. Just, not as often as I used to. But, I still managed to obtain good results. Pretty satisfied with it. It's not easy growing up without the love and tender care from a father, or even a parent. It scares me to think that I'll never be able to feel the loving and heart-warming hugs my daddy used to gave me. He was my best friend and he was my hero. The one who lent me his shoulder to cry on. I miss him.
But anyway, I like poetry, reading novels and that's that. I love to sing, even though I suck at it; pretty badly. I enjoy walking in the rain, I love the smell of earth when rainwater hits the dry ground. I love the smell of freshly baked cookies or anything fresh out of the oven. Like, pizza for an instance. haha. I like being alone, but I also enjoy going out with friends. I enjoy ice skating even though I'm just average at it.
I have two amazing best-friends. Nur Sabrina, and Joelle Rachel. Also known as Joelle Lau but Rachel sounds more sassy. They're both lovely people, just not on the outside. They're hella ugly. But I love them. Dude I am being as honest as I can here. I met Joelle during olahraga, early February 2014 and trust me before this I HATED THAT GIRL. But now that loser has become a big part of my life. I knew Sab since 2013, when we talked about her issues on twitter and somehow I was somewhat like a friend she could vent to, so we became more closer the following year. Up until now, they've been the closest friends I have. Probably the only ones that I trust. Yea I trust others, but won't list down their names here. I keep my circle small, I know, only because it's really hard for me to keep friends and put my trust in them. The last time I did, I got backstabbed. I went from having 7 'best' friends down to 2. But that's alright, because quality beats quantity.
?
?
lol.
And so I guess that's it.
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