Hi. Maybe in life, we make choices. But sometimes choices make us. I never really understood that phrase, but maybe as I'm growing up, I'm beginning to understand. I'm still learning. I'm just nothing but an 18 year old trying to figure out how life works. But here I am...drinking hot tea to calm me down at 5am in the morning, writing this for all of you who are reading.
A month reaching two ago, I intended to write about how happy I was to finally end my SPM examination, to be going out more with my best friend and just forget about the world for brief moments...but here I am- writing about how I'm spending my days locked in my room crying, sleeping, eating. Playing stupid games, listening to music and watching movies online just to fill my thoughts. Basically, I am pathetically living my life unhealthily. But I still go out for jogs, trust me. But I thought on this post I'd write something that is totally NOT about me, so here's for you, if you're hurting too.
I know you wish you hadn't let him go. I know you regret every second you spent not talking to him when you could've, and I also know you regret the moments when you were being a little too egotistical towards him. But you just couldn't help yourself, because that's just the way you are. He was probably too good for you anyway, and maybe he deserved better, different. Someone more mature, someone more understanding. Perhaps all he needed was someone who wasn't constantly tearing apart and crumbling inside, and you just couldn't be that person. But apart from all that, you still loved him. You knew he loved you too. But then it hit you that the more you dipped your feet into this nasty puddle of mud called "love", the more it actually taught you that just because we love someone, it doesn't mean we have to be with them. Love isn't about possession, it's about appreciation. If you love a flower, you don't pick it up, or else it will wilt and die. So just let it grow into something more beautiful. Flowers die anyway, but if you let it be, you'll get to watch it bloom. I know you didn't want your bitterness to take away his sweetness. I know you probably didn't want him to pour all his love to you and leaving none for himself. You loved him. You loved every hour you spent with him. You were maybe constantly arguing thru texts with him, but we both know later on you'd find yourself calling him late at night to apologise and recite your undying love for him. It was fun while it lasted, and maybe you'd both love again some time in the future. But you know...love requires more than just time and attention. It requires loyalty, honesty, agreement, effort, tears, strength...and so much more. I believe that God has better plans for all of us in the future. Hurting now doesn't mean we'll be hurting forever. We will win some, but we will also lose some.
And I know your heart is hurting, aching, it's lonely and it's dying. Even if it's not, you should know that life does go on. Slowly, but surely. You just need to give yourself time. Be on your own, read novels to help give your mind a place to escape to. You'll sink in deep with the words and their meanings. Don't rush things, take it slow. Break-ups will happen in life, but if certain things are meant to be, then they will be. I'm not saying all this to make you feel like you're giving yourself false hope or anything but truth is, the choice is in your own hands. It's not in mine, or his, or hers, or theirs...or anyone else's. You get to choose whether you want to go, whether you want to stay...to give or to take, to hurt or to be hurt. I only wish for you to never give up on yourself. Just because he or she did, it doesn't mean you've got to bring yourself down too. Take time to feel okay again, don't worry...you will. Sooner or later, eventually you will.
