It's sickening, isn't it? When you lose someone. It's like, it's like you've just been stabbed in the heart multiple times and you feel so sick to the stomach, sick enough to throw up at whatever's standing in front of you. Your head's spinning and you feel out of control.
I used to think we were everyone's 'one true pairing', or the couple they would have always shipped until the very end. I thought our ending was going to be a happy one, I used to think we'd never made it this far, and when we did, I never thought I'd lose him so soon. Maybe too soon.
Our love was unbreakable; that's what I would tell myself. But who knew, being with you was a little difficult at times. Looking at your face made my heart burn into flames. I found myself constantly clearing my throat whenever I had to speak to you, and that my eyes were always looking down on my shoes and both my head and heart would be hurting. It was so messy, so uneasy. Losing you was unacceptable, I knew what I did wasn't enough to make you stay. School was different, I had nothing to look forward to anymore. I started skipping classes to stay in the toilet to hide from people or stay in my best friend's arms, I cried in class during recess when nobody was around to see. I found myself sneaking glimpses of you in around school blocks. Sometimes when I see you smile, my heart would stop like it did when you told me you didn't believe in love.
Where do I put away all these memories? Losing you was hard. Getting used to not talking to you was even harder. Sometimes I try to make you stay again, but you never do. I don't know what hurt me more, the fact that everyone was telling me to move on from you or the fact that I knew I was never going to be able to do it? I don't want to be the one who deserves better anyway.
But somehow when you left, I learned to expect less from you. I knew that your tweets were no longer forwarded to me, let alone be about me. I learned to check my phone lesser and lesser. My eyes don't rush to my phone when someone is calling. I finally learned to control myself, to show you I don't need you. But truth be told, I do need you. I can't do this without you. As much as I'd find myself crying myself to sleep almost every Sunday night and Friday morning, as much as I'd plead, beg you to come back to me...you were just never going to. After all, at the end of the day, it had always been you, running around in my mind. Losing you made me lose my mind. I lose my mind when someone mentions your name. Singing isn't my hobby anymore, I have nobody to sing to now that you're not here anymore.
Losing you is hard.
